Nine Things Not To Say To Your Divorced Friend:

(Too Lazy to Come Up With Ten)

“You’ll get married again!”

 (Let your friend digest their excruciating paperwork and lawyer’s fees and their natural inclination to ponder if the institution is for them at all.  Ask your friend a question instead of telling them that they’ll do something – because really you might be trying to make yourself comfortable.)

“Do you think you’ll get married again?”

(Okay, that’s not quite the question to ask.  But everybody does.  But it’s better than the declarative above. Just know that marriage is the furthest thing from a newly divorced or currently divorcing person’s mind.  This isn’t due to heartbreak or cynicism but a new very real reality that your divorced/ing friend now sees marriage and divorce as two very real possibilities and may always carry that reality to their next romantic endeavor. Also, how can anyone know if they will get married again – especially if they are not in a committed relationship? This question just brings up that old sense that “something is wrong” – whether they’re the type who doesn’t want a relationship or the type who does but can’t find one.)

“Was it a fight you had that caused the end?”

(Marriage isn’t a friendship with your friend next-door and you suddenly decide to end all play-dates because Suzy didn’t share her blocks one time.  One fight does not end a marriage.  This question implies that you’re trying to figure out what went wrong so that you can figure out what your fight with your spouse meant last night.  Don’t worry.  Divorce isn’t contagious.  You’re fine.)

“We would have invited you to dinner but it was mostly couples.”

(No one likes to hear in retrospect that they weren’t invited to a thing that they would have been invited to if only they were part of a duo.  Divorced people do not hate other couples.  Divorced people do not feel insecure attending a dinner party with friends without a spouse.  Think about it – this person did the most difficult thing in the world in terms of separating from another.  Trust that they are secure and not saddened by other people and their love.  If they are, your divorced friend is an asshole.)

“How come you got married in the first place?”

(How come YOU got married? Same reason. Love. Or what someone thought was love. Or the desire to be in love. Or friendship masked as love. Nobody gets married knowing that they are going to divorce. And even if they do have their doubts – it’s hard to tell what is a doubt and what is a real feeling.)

“Do you still sleep on “your” side of the bed or does it feel weird?”

(What feels weird for the divorced person is remembering when sleeping on their side of the bed with their spouse – and having that feel weird when it was supposed to feel good.  Once the divorced person lives on their own, a bed is a bed and it’s a wonderful place to do what we all love – sleep.)

“Oh.”

(This is what is usually said when the divorced person explains that sometimes sex is a great thing to do in between divorce and the next serious relationship and it’s kind of helpful and you know you hate to hear it, fun.  If your divorced friend isn’t giving gory details – don’t get puritanical on them.)

“It just upsets me to hear all of this since I love you both.”

(Yeah. It must be hard for people to hear about their friends divorcing – but guess who it’s harder on? Try to listen. And don’t feel like it’s gossip. It’s not. This is grown-up time.)

“Are you scared in the house alone?”

(Not until you brought it up.)

****And bonus – What Not To Say To a Divorced Stranger.

“I’m SORRY!”

(It is embarrassing to feel like there is pity when it’s not necessary.  It puts the stranger in the position of having to explain that they are fine and then giving too much information about why they are fine and how in a marriage that ends – it is ending for years before it actually ends and it’s not like getting dumped or dumping your high school sweetheart. It’s usually always pretty mutual unless someone is a dummy who can’t read red flags like the feeling that you’re both ghosts. Instead, just say what every friend wants to hear. “You look thin!”)