Episode #41: The ADHD & People Pleasing Connection + 4 Steps To Stop

In episode 41 of the ‘You Are A Lot’ podcast, we’re diving into a topic that so many of us with ADHD struggle with: people-pleasing. 

Whether it’s saying yes when you really mean no, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, or going out of your way for approval, people-pleasing is more than a bad habit—it’s often a deeply ingrained survival mechanism.

Here’s what we’re discussing:

• Why people pleasing is so common in people with ADHD
• What makes our brains more likely to crave validation and fear rejection? 
• How to stop people pleasing, so we can start prioritizing ourselves without feeling guilty

Spoiler: It’s possible, but it takes some work.

So grab a coffee, get comfortable, and let’s talk about why ADHD and people-pleasing go hand in hand—and how you can finally break free.

Listen below, stream it on your favorite podcasting app, or scroll to access the full blog post.

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So, What Is People-Pleasing?

Let’s step back and define people-pleasing, because it’s not always easy to recognize.

Caroline Maguire, an expert in social-emotional learning, describes it as…

“Seeking the approval of other people and putting the needs of others before your own.”

At first glance, this might not seem so bad. After all, being agreeable and helpful can make you a good friend, coworker, or partner. 

Maguire points out that it becomes a problem when it crosses into unhealthy territory—when you feel like you have to hide your needs or suppress your feelings just to keep the peace.

For example, have you ever agreed to go to an event you didn’t want to attend, just to avoid disappointing someone? Or laughed at a joke you didn’t find funny, just to fit in?

These might seem like small things, but over time, they add up. 

You start losing touch with who you are because you’re so focused on who others want you to be.

What Causes People Pleasing?

To understand people-pleasing, we have to look back at where it often starts: childhood. 

For many ADHDers, the seeds of people-pleasing are planted early in life, shaped by experiences at home, in school, and in social settings.

1. The Role of Early Rejection and Criticism

ADHD brains are wired differently, and as kids, that often puts us at odds with the world around us. 

Think back to your childhood: Were you the kid who couldn’t sit still in class, who blurted out answers, or who forgot their homework at home again? 

For many of us, those traits led to constant correction from teachers, parents, and even peers.

When you’re repeatedly told to “try harder,” “pay attention,” or “stop being so difficult,” it can feel like you’re inherently flawed. 

You see, ADHD brains are hypersensitive to rejection, real and perceived, so these moments leave a lasting mark. 

Over time, you might learn to avoid rejection by doing whatever it takes to keep others happy.

Example: Imagine a child with ADHD who’s scolded by a teacher for being too talkative 

That child might internalize the idea that their natural behavior is “wrong” and begin suppressing it. 

They might overcompensate by becoming the teacher’s helper, always eager to please in an attempt to avoid criticism.

2. Parents’ High Expectations

In some cases, parents play a role in shaping people-pleasing tendencies.

This isn’t about blame, most parents are doing their best, but high expectations can push an ADHD child to prioritize pleasing others over their own needs.

For instance, if a parent constantly praises academic success but dismisses emotional needs, the child might learn that their worth is tied to achievement and external validation. 

This pattern of seeking approval can follow you into adulthood, showing up in relationships, work, and social settings.

3. Cultural and Societal Influences

Cultural and societal expectations can also reinforce people-pleasing behaviors. 

Many of us grow up hearing messages like “be polite,” “don’t make waves,” or “put others first.”

While these values aren’t inherently bad, they can be especially harmful for kids with ADHD, who may already feel like they’re “too much.”

Example: A girl with ADHD might be told to “be nice” and “act like a lady” when she’s assertive or energetic.

Over time, she might suppress her true self to fit those expectations, becoming overly agreeable to avoid conflict.

Why ADHD Adults Are Prone to Being People-Pleasers

Why are ADHDers more likely to fall into this trap? 

The ADHD Centre offers some Insights:

1. Impulsivity: ADHDers tend to act on impulse, which lead to agreeing with others or seeking approval without stopping to think about the consequences.
2. Rejection Sensitivity: The fear of rejection is a huge driver of people-pleasing behaviors.
3. Validation-seeking: ADHDers often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and external validation can feel like a quick fix for low self-esteem.

Example:

Imagine you’re in a group setting, like a team meeting or a social gathering.

Someone suggests an idea that you don’t agree with, but instead of speaking up, you nod along and agree.

Why? 

Well, the thought of being criticized or even just standing out feels too overwhelming.

This might work in the short term, but over time, it can leave you feeling invisible or unheard.

This is where being a people pleaser becomes a double-edged sword… It protects you from rejection, but it also keeps you from being your authentic self.

Why ADHDers Feel So Much

Let’s start with the emotional side of ADHD because that’s really where people-pleasing begins. Dr. William Dodson, a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD, explains that…

“You can’t manage the impairments of attention deficit disorder until you understand how you process emotion.” 

When it comes to emotion, ADHD brains don’t just process it—they live it.

Think about the last time you felt embarrassed, criticized, or left out…

For someone without ADHD, those feelings might sting for a moment before fading away. But for someone with ADHD, those emotions hit like a freight train. 

Dodson describes this as an innate sensitivity to emotional pain, which makes rejection, or even the possibility of rejection, feel unbearable.

Now imagine living your whole life with that level of emotional intensity.

It’s no wonder so many ADHDers become people pleasers. It’s a way of saying, “Tell me what you want, and I’ll do my best to become it. Just don’t get mad at me.”

Over time, this constant need for approval can turn you into a chameleon—someone who changes their colors to fit every situation, losing track of what you want or need in the process.

Does this sound familiar? 

Maybe you’re always the one who says yes to extra work, even when your plate is already overflowing. Or maybe you’ve gone along with a group decision, even though it made you uncomfortable, just to avoid conflict. 

These are the kinds of patterns we’re going to unpack today.

People-Pleasing at Work

Let’s dig deeper into how this shows up at work. Tamara Rosier, a psychologist who works with adults with ADHD, explains it perfectly:

“We’re afraid we’re going to screw up, so we think our bosses and coworkers will give us a break if we’re nice enough and go the extra mile.”

Here’s where ADHD brain chemistry comes into play… 

When you help someone out or go above and beyond, your brain gets a dopamine hit. That’s why people-pleasing feels so rewarding in the moment—even though it’s often self-sabotaging.

Let’s break this down with an example.

• Imagine you’re swamped at work.
• Your to-do list is a mile long
• Your email inbox is out of control
• Then, a coworker asks if you can help them finish a presentation 

Even though you’re drowning in your own tasks, you say yes. Why?

Because you don’t want to seem unhelpful—or worse, risk their disapproval.

You spend hours working on their project, only to fall behind on your own. And when your deadlines slip, you feel even worse.

It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s one that so many adults with ADHD know all too well.

How To Stop People Pleasing in 4 Steps

Now that we’ve talked about the costs, let’s focus on the way forward. 

Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy. It takes time, self-awareness, and a lot of patience, but it is possible, and the first step is to start small…

Step 1: Practice Saying No

Saying no feels impossible for people-pleasers, but it’s a skill you can develop. Start with low-stakes situations. 

For example, if a coworker asks you to join a lunch you don’t have time for, practice politely declining: “I’d love to, but I’ve got too much on my plate today.”

At first, this will feel awkward, maybe even terrifying.

However, over time, you’ll realize that saying no doesn’t make people like you less. It shows you value your time and energy.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial for breaking the cycle.

Start by identifying one area of your life where you feel overextended. Maybe it’s at work, in your friendships, or with family. Once you’ve identified it, set a clear boundary.

For example, if your family expects you to be available 24/7, let them know: “I’m turning off my phone after 8 PM to recharge.” 

Will this feel uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s a necessary step toward reclaiming your time.

Step 3: Reframe Your Thinking

One of the most challenging aspects of breaking free from people-pleasing is overcoming guilt.

You might think, “If I say no, they’ll think I don’t care.” 

However, setting boundaries isn’t about caring less; it’s about caring smarter. 

You can’t pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself allows you to show up more fully for the people who matter.

Step 4: Celebrate Small Wins

Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing isn’t about flipping a switch; it’s about making small, consistent changes. 

So celebrate every time you say no, set a boundary, or put your needs first.

These small victories add up and help build your confidence.

Overcoming People-Pleasing is Hard (But Worth It)

Letting go of people-pleasing isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable, and at times, can feel like you’re letting people down. 

However, the discomfort is temporary. The freedom you gain from living authentically is worth it.

Think of it this way… you’ve spent years saying yes to everything, to the point where you don’t even know what you like anymore.

But then, you start saying no. You begin prioritizing yourself, and slowly, you rediscover who you are. 

That’s what this journey is about. Breaking a habit and reclaiming your life.

People Pleasing FAQs:

Key Takeaway

Being a people pleaser isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a coping mechanism that serves a purpose, but it’s time to let it go. 

By taking small steps, practicing saying no, setting boundaries, and reframing your thinking, you can break free and start living life on your terms.

And remember: If you try to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one.