1. On Being “Too Intimidating”


    I was talking to a guy friend the other day and we were having a stupid conversation.  He said to me, “Would you ever date a rapper?”  And I said, “Why?”  And he said, “What if he sang things that you didn’t like?”  My answer was, “Well, like anyone who talks or puts words into the world for a living, I probably wouldn’t date someone who says things for a living that I don’t like.”  But then I quickly turned it into a joke based on my year of unparalleled mini-rejections and a dry spell.  I said, “Now.  Would a rapper date a female comedian?”  (Normally, I don’t say “female comedian” but for this story where it’s imperative to the tale that I’m a female who is heterosexual and a comedian.) 

     My friend laughed and we both said, “No.”  But then he seriously said, “You’re too intimidating to men.”  This friend of mine has a girlfriend and is younger than me and we have nothing between us.  He technically would date a female comic – but he doesn’t.  So he’s on our side and his saying, “You’re too intimidating to men…” was meant as a consolation and even something for me to feel empowered about.  I didn’t mean to go slightly volcanic on my friend but I did.  I said, “You know what?  I don’t know if I’m allowed to do this – but I’m going to start responding to male friends who ‘console’ me with saying, “Men are intimidated by you” by saying, “That’s sexist and this has to stop.”

     I hope I didn’t lose you with “sexist.”  I also said, “That’s bullshit and this has to stop.”

    Too many of my straight, male friends have told me – not unsolicited – but when I’m saying to them, “This is getting to absurd levels, the amount of guys this year that I’ve asked out, or casually offered maybe a friends with benefits thing to who have said, NO.”  My male friends say, “Men are too intimated by women with a career or especially comics and musicians.”  It always leaves me feeling bad.  So, I’m to be punished for working really hard on my career and now I’m enjoying the bonus of traveling and making people laugh for a living?  Am I supposed to console myself when I’m feeling like getting some with the notion that if only I weren’t so intimidating someone would be sticking it to me?

    If this article is interpreted the wrong way and I get a bunch of White Knights telling me, “I’M NOT INTIMIDATED” – I’m going to jump off a bridge.  I’ll survive, because I’m so strong, and intimidating, and truly it’s a small bridge that’s more of a summer watering hole but I’ll jump and scream.

    I’m just wondering if other women are sick of being consoled with “You’re too intimidating.”  To that I say, “Well, if that’s true - men are missing out on their lives, living in fear of women who…..can pay for dinner? and this is some serious bullshit.”  Everyone loves to apply pop psychology to comedians (maybe musicians too) – well, let me get psychology 101 on you.  It’s my sensitivity and empathy (like all people possess, I don’t have more of it – I’m just in touch with it) that makes me good at my job.  In my off hours, I’m a nice person.  A guy would only have to hang out with me once to see that I’m not always holding a microphone and I guess just being emasculating  by my very existence.  So, are the women who are dating, married, getting laid casually not intimidating? Am I to look at my friends and think they’re weak or are the proper amount of feminine or are they simply quiet ladies who cook?  That would be insulting to them AND to men – it would imply that they have an easily intimated man who found a weakling to not make him feel bad.

    It could be that this dry spell is because I’ve had it good – I’ve had it really good for the past few years and the Universe can’t keep up it’s production of men to throw my way – but whatever the case….if your female friends are complaining about offering themselves to someone who said, “Nah,” or having an overflow of male friends who are already taken – please don’t say to them in a supportive way, “Men are intimidated.”  That shuts the conversation down.  It assigns a complex to the woman and causes bitterness and it might not even be true.

    And if you are someone who is intimidated – nut up, dudes.  You statistically still have more upper body strength and you’ll always win at arm-wrestling.

    Well, as expected, some responses that I’ve gotten so far are from dudes who are reminding me that “strong men who are confident like strong women.”  UGH. I KNOW. Again, I’m not some librarian spinster from the 1950’s with cobwebs in her vagina.  I’ve met these men. This article, unless I’m a HORRIBLE writer who can’t get her point across, is about NO LONGER using the “You’re too intimidating to men” consolation. STRONG AWESOME DUDES use this sentence on their female friends and I was wondering what other women - think of it?? And when men who are dating people think when they hear this? Are they insulted too??


  2. Tortured goth gets her first press. #tbt

  3. http://ferniecommaalex.tumblr.com/post/94480237479/years-ago-when-sentimental-lady-was-on-harold


    Years ago, when Sentimental Lady was on Harold Night, there was a night where Robin Williams came by the theater and asked if there were any improv shows he could sit in on. He didn’t ask in an entitled way. He apologized for asking, seemed to think that the answer would be “no”, and clearly had…

    I remember these years and I learned a lot from seeing someone of his stature be respectful. So many other comics who have 1/2 of the success he does - began to just use UCB as their drop in place and stopped making eye contact. I had a new respect for him and the way he treated that establishment and the comics who were part of it.

  4. New date just added! As of today, tickets for my show in OKLAHOMA CITY on Wednesday December 3rd, 2014 have GONE ON SALE!

    (Click “GONE ON SALE” up there to buy tickets - if that wasn’t clear)

    This is ONE show. ONE night. I anticipate it selling out so please get tickets early because I have to run off to Dallas the next day. xoxo Jen

  5. Just what it looks like when a girl sits around listening to my podcast “I Seem Fun.” http://jenkirkman.com/i-seem-fun

  6. This way to a good tee-shirt (for fans of the I Seem Fun podcast) http://estoymerchandise.com/collections/jen-kirkman

  7. Updated. Sorry it said Nova Scotia and not Halifax. All tickets at jenkirkman.com/tour-dates and join my email list to find out other cities I’m coming to once I book them. No need to say “come to” - yes. I’m coming!

  8. Look just let me have my things before I find my second and third husbands.

  9. Welcome to my life fun purse on sale made from a cigar box. Thanks Lost and Found NOLA!