This is what’s wrong with the world. I’m reading an interview with Diane Keaton and she shares this moment with Woody Allen.
"She recalled a moment when Woody Allen looked at her while they were sitting on a park bench and said: ‘I wonder if I’d think you were attractive if I didn’t know you?’
Fun Fan Letter About My Podcast “I SEEM FUN”
This woman, whose name rhymes with Fawn, did NOT give me permission to use her name.
If you’re not interested in why someone like me might choose not to listen to your podcast anymore, just go ahead and delete this now.Your podcast today (what I suffered through anyway), was NOT funny:~I’m not interested in 4-5 minutes of “Plugs” (which can be easily found on your website if I really wanted to know, as you constantly point out);~The rant about how annoying it is that people like you so much that they want to spend time with you “after the show”. How rude of them to even ask!~Your stated opinion: “What am I, some secretary!? A secretary to a secretary!?" What a lowly position in life! Jen Kirkman would NEVER stoop so low as to be a secretary or drink from a thermos! Yeah, I’m a secretary though I do not use a desktop hot plate or a thermos. I do it to help support my family and I’m proud of my work.That is when I turned it off and unsubscribed. You tell us often that you are a genuinely nice person; today you sounded like a spoiled, entitled brat. You definitely alienated this former “fan”.You’ll probably tear this (and me) apart on your podcast. Go ahead, I won’t be listening.YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE MY NAME” - NAMELESSI’m so glad when my listener’s know nothing about me like how I was a secretary for 15 years. And I will go back to being a secretary when I need to. Congrats on not having a thermos and congrats on being a mother but taking the time to write a mean email where you judge me. You are SO LUCKY that I don’t publish your email address. That’s because I’m a nice person. If this episode turned you off - you were NEVER a fan. You’re angry at the life you think I lead. I rent an apartment and am not famous and am financially at the very working class end of show business. You made assumptions about me that highlight YOUR issues with yourself. You are a shitty person. Just truly shitty. I’m glad I will never meet you because you seem stupid. And my PLUGS are HOW I MAKE A LIVING (and how I support MY family) and NOBODY EVER CHECKS MY FUCKING website so I do the plugs. I also do the plugs to let people know HOW EXCITED I AM TO COME TO THEIR TOWN. And I’m sorry if me singing where I am going and playing FUNK music underneath it this time was too much for you. I put the plugs up front so people can fast forward through it. I’m sorry this bothered you.And that after shows I love bonding with audience members and was only asking that people don’t waste our moments together drunkenly clutching on me and saying “You pussy, have a drink.” There’s NO WAY this woman is a regular listener. She probably knows me from TV and saw me open on stage for my boss and downloaded an episode and doesn’t get me at all. Let’s all pray for her. And if I saw her, I would probably get real close to her and say something scary in my Boston accent. - Jen
FAQ - WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO? FINAL ANSWER. (WITH LOVE)
When are you coming to San Francisco (for example) you ask? Well, first of all. Thank you for asking. That means you would like to pay to see me do comedy which has been my dream job since I was a kid. Unfortunately, just because you just found out about me - doesn’t mean that I have never been to San Francisco (for example.)
So, the best thing to do is check my website. I paid someone money to make it for me and I would love to get some use out of it.
Click here: JENKIRKMAN.COM/TOUR-DATES
That’s where you can see every single show I am doing in 2014 coming up (and have done in 2013 and 2014)
I won’t tour the same city twice (as a headliner) in one year because I don’t repeat my hour of material on the road. Since I don’t tour full time (yet) due to having a full-time television writing job, I can only hit the road about 20-25 weekends a year - leaving me many, many cities to continue to hit who haven’t seen my current hour.
If you check my site and see that I came to San Francisco (for example) already this year - please know that I won’t be back until I’ve written a new hour and I’m in the process of that and it’s going to be more than a year.
But you will know! You will know without having to ask me. That’s why I set up this handy website JENKIRKMAN.COM/TOUR-DATES
So that you can find out even at three am at your leisure and I don’t have to spend my time answering the same Twitter questions over and over.
I even have an email LIST! You can sign up for it! I send it out every Friday. CLICK HERE TO JOIN
This email list tells you where I am coming before dates are even finalized and before tickets go on sale. This and my website are where to get that exclusive information.
If you don’t see San Francisco (for example) in either of these places, it means that it’s not in the works.
Now. This is the part where someone is going to think I’m sounding bitchy. But I’m just letting you guys know what’s up. I have very good agents and I’ve been a comic for 16 years. I know most of the comedy clubs and theatres and rock clubs and cool spaces to perform in America. I know all of the major and minor cities in America. I have NO prejudice. I am not afraid to come to any state. I don’t hate the south or the Mid-west, in fact I perform in those areas a lot. If I haven’t been to your town it has to do with schedule conflicts, lack of a fan base in certain areas (so far) and the fact that I don’t tour full time (yet.)
I know you just want an answer to your question “When are you coming to….” but just know, my gentle flower, that the answer already exists. In those nifty places I showed you above. And sometimes there isn’t an answer - which is also….an answer.
AND on my weekly podcast “I Seem Fun” - I start every episode by talking about where I’m coming and sometimes I even let you in on my secret thoughts of where I want to go that year before it’s even in the process of being booked.
Again, comedians are sensitive little souls or at least I am and I get very tired answering the same question over again on Twitter (I don’t want to ignore questions and I’d rather spend my time on Twitter writing jokes) or having people ask me where I’m going to be when I make it so easy to find out (I haven’t even mentioned all my Tweeting, my Facebook fan page, Instagram).
I love you all. Thank you for wanting to come see me. You are giving me a career and I can’t wait to see more and more of you all.
Oh! PS. EVERY show I do I do a quick meet and greet where I will sign whatever you bring, take pictures and some shows have books or tee-shirts for sale. Always. I always make time.
NEW SHOWS COMING UP!
We are so excited to announce 4 new shows at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul!
We will be joined by our good friends paulftompkins and mikeeaglestinks, Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me host Peter Sagal, as well as some exciting and talented first-time guests, including Bob Mould, jenkirkman, Kumail Nanjiani, thevaleriejune and harikondabolu. Join us for some laughs, some great music, and maybe a Murder Cat or two.
May 31 - Peter Sagal and Paul F. Tompkins with Open Mike Eagle
June 6 - Jen Kirkman with Bob Mould
June 20 - Kumail Nanjiani with Valerie June
June 27 - Hari Kondabolu with Will Sheff
SO EXCITED TO BE PART OF THIS
Hello world! Happy Earth Day. In honor of Earth Day - I have a book coming out in paperback (no it’s not made from recycled paper - stop judging me)
My New York Times Bestseller “I Can Barely Take Care of Myself” is already available in hardcover, audio and Kindle versions. But today is the PAPERBACK RELEASE!
And you can purchase it at any of these fine places. TODAY.
INDIE BOUND (SHOP LOCAL)
AUSTIN! I came to perform stand-up for you guys last year and ALL of you were podcast fans of mine and promised if I ever taped a live one in Austin - you would come. So I am coming. Please, spread the word. This Saturday night - April 19th at the North Door. Tickets only $14 and on sale now. And I’ll be selling the first ever “I Seem Fun” tee-shirts. You’ll see how awesome they are.
Miss the hand-holding thrill of last night’s games? We’ve got the whole episode online here!
YOU GUYS IT WAS A THRILL!!!! Watch it all online
FOUND! Comedy Meltdown 4x6 ft. poster from leap year day 2008. Check out the line up. Chris Hardwick, Jen Kirkman, Andy Daily, Mike Phirman. Hosting: @jonahray (sponsored by #ASAHI beer.) #FILEUNDERRAD (at Meltdown Comics & Collectibles)
THIS IS LIKE FINDING ONE MILLION DOLLARS