That Time I Bothered Ethan Hawke on Halloween
The Ethan Hawke Halloween Story
I’ve been meaning to tell you about the time I bothered Ethan Hawke on his stoop this past Halloween. I’ve been sitting on this story for a while because, spoiler alert, the story is actually going to end up being a lesson in healthy shame. But before I jump to the end, I’ll set it up. We technically live on the same street (almost a mile apart, but whatever!).
I know it seems hard to believe — but I don’t have a crush on him and never have. I hated his character in Reality Bites; I was not a Troy fan. But there is this one moment where Ben Stiller’s character awkwardly asks a jealous Troy, “What’s your glitch, man?” And Ethan/Troy reacts, “My glitch?” I don’t know why, but that STILL makes me laugh decades later.
I also do not have a crush on him in all of the Sunrise movies. I just simply think that he’s the greatest actor in Generation X. I appreciate his outlook on life. I can see where you might find him pretentious or affected, but I think that he’s authentically that person.
He did a TED Talk called Give Yourself Permission to Be Creative, and it’s an essential watch for all humans.
Why Didn’t You Watch This TV Show?
Before I get into it — if you haven’t seen The Good Lord Bird, you need to watch it immediately. Or at least this trailer. Seriously, if you want somewhere to channel your righteous anger about the state of America, this show will inspire you. If you like Luigi, you’ll LOVE this show. Ethan plays John Brown, the abolitionist who was more committed to ending slavery than Abraham Lincoln. It’s hilarious, intense, and criminally underrated. He should have won all of the awards for it — but he wasn’t even nominated.
Of course, I didn’t learn a damn thing about John Brown in history class, and he is the most influential white person in the Civil War. He was a friend and collaborator of Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman. He was complex. He’s been called insane — but is that because he was a white person willing to sacrifice his own life for the liberation of Black people? Or was he just some white guy with impulse control issues who made his friends Frederick and Harriet’s work more difficult? The Good Lord Bird got me interested in a historian’s John Brown podcast called John Brown Today. Okay, before I go on a neurodivergent info dump, let me get back to Ethan Hawke.
What Do I Want From Ethan Hawke?
Nothing really. What I realistically want from the universe is that I get to work with him someday. What I unrealistically want from the universe is that he and I become good friends one day. Trust me, I know what this feels like on the other side. People have written to me for years, pitching themselves as my friend or my lover, and it unnerves me. As it should.
If we can’t be co-workers or friends, my third pitch is that I can offer a service to Ethan’s wife. If she’s tired of him talking about acting and his process and the deeper meaning of this and that, she can hire me to listen to him. I’ll swing by. A four-hour minimum? No problem. I’ll continue to ask him to pontificate, keep him talking until every last anecdote is out of his system — and after I leave — he’ll be ready to be fully present with his wife.
One night, while having a glass of wine and reading a book at the bar of an Italian restaurant in Brooklyn, I saw him sitting in a corner booth with his family. I could not fucking believe it. I couldn’t really look because I would have had to turn my entire body around. The bartender noticed my gawking and told me Ethan is there all the time. He lives a few doors down. You’d think after finding that out, I’d make that restaurant my second home, but I haven’t. See? I’m mostly not unhinged!
Turns out we technically live on the same street — kind of. The back of my building is on the same street as his, but my front door faces another street, so my address is different. But I still call myself a proud member of the [Redacted] Street community.
Halloween Day in Brooklyn
Every Halloween, [Redacted] Street, like many streets in Brooklyn, goes all out. The street is closed off, food trucks appear, and all of the Halloween hits like Ghostbusters, Thriller, and Monster Mash blast from massive portable speakers on wheels. Every house is adorned with incredibly creative decorations. Parents take their kids trick-or-treating between 3–5 p.m. It’s essentially a block party for people who have their lives together enough to own brownstones.
Side note: I find it strange when Halloween is conducted during daylight. Why can’t they close down the street after dark? Also, if you don’t know Brooklyn, don’t assume it’s dangerous at night. I’d be more nervous in a traditional suburb — where people peek through their windows but wouldn’t come outside to help if something went wrong after dark. Or worse — where they would come outside, but only with a gun because they take their neighborhood watch duties way too seriously.
Local Celebrities on the Block
Ethan and other local celebs are always at the Halloween block party. One year, Ethan dressed up in that terrifying mask that he wore in that horror movie that came out a couple of years ago. I forget the name. I refuse to look it up because it haunts me. Steve Buscemi lives in the neighborhood — one year, he went dressed as the “Hello, fellow kids” meme. Both of these guys posted pictures to Instagram. There was precedent for Ethan to take photos with regular people on Halloween. To mingle with the masses.
I’ve always wanted to stroll through the neighborhood Halloween party, but I’ve usually been working. This year, I had a month off from the TV show I write on, and I was finally free to go. I’d also been sick all October with laryngitis, bronchitis, and a revolving door of colds and still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I decided that a walk would do me good.
I asked friends to come with me, but they were either working, despising kids, or hate kids (and were busy with their own neighborhood plans). So, I was on my own.
I didn’t want to wear a full costume, but I had this orange tulle skirt with bats on it. It felt festive without being over the top. I paired it with bright white Doc Martens.
I knew there was a chance I’d run into Ethan, and I had to figure out what I’d say. I just wanted to tell him how much I adored The Good Lord Bird and that it made me obsessed with John Brown to the point of listening to dozens of episodes of that very dry historical podcast. I wasn’t going to get weird about it — I just wanted a selfie so I could spend the next hour texting it to everyone who knows that my life goal is to meet Ethan Hawke, aka everyone I know.
Psychiatric Help 5 Cents
So, it’s Halloween Day. (Still annoyed that it’s not at night.) I’m walking down the street, and walking, and walking. Don’t forget — I’m half a mile away. I’m admiring the most ingenious Halloween decor of all time — someone recreated Lucy from Peanuts’ psychiatrist booth.
I keep walking and — bam! I see him. He’s just feet in front of me, to my right, sitting on the stoop with one of his kids, with a bowl of candy between them — and a fence with an open door between his stoop and the sidewalk. I froze. Parents and kids were coming and going, grabbing candy without any idea that this man is a Gen-X icon. And there I was —already in motion. I had to keep walking.
When I was walking in what felt like slow motion, in front of his stoop, suddenly there was no one else around. I could see in my periphery that he had his head up and eyes forward, watching everyone in the street. That means that he saw me. He saw a woman walk by alone, in an orange skirt and bright white Doc Martens. Which is fine, if all I was doing was walking by. But you see, the point is, I missed my chance to say hello like a normal neighbor! (Shut up, I know I’m half a mile away.) Since he clocked me, it would be awkward for me to turn right around and walk back to his doorstep, right? Right.
Approaching Him On The Stoop
And so I kept walking. What was I going to do? If I was going to walk by his doorstep again from the other direction, I would have to do it much later, so that if he did remember this woman and her boots, it would look completely normal. Like I’d been somewhere. With people. On this Halloween Day.
I was already feeling exhausted. This was a lot of walking after being sick for a month. I wanted to leave. I really hate the song Monster Mash, and after hearing it played twice, back-to-back, I started my walk home in the other direction toward Ethan’s brownstone. Parents and kids continued to come and go. I was now in front of his home. Again. Five minutes later.
A mom and her kid were picking from his candy bowl. (I have to be honest, I swear all I saw were small lollipops — the Hawke family candy offerings were seriously underwhelming.) The young girl, dressed like some character from some cartoon that I don’t know about, pointed at Ethan and said, “Hey, you’re that famous guy!”
And Ethan, amused, did not give in to the attention that he was getting for being special. He pulled his fox mask down from his head over his eyes and said, “I’m not famous! I’m a fox!” She laughed, and her mother told her to thank him for the candy and keep moving.
“See?” I said to myself. “Other people are recognizing him. So, it’s not weird if I say something to him.”
I know. It was a CHILD. I am a grown-up. His age.
But I let myself through the open gate, approached him on his stoop and said something to him.
I’ll tell you what happened in the next newsletter. 😉